Category Archives: Tim Tebow Sucks

False Idol Tebow Devoured By Lions

“There may be flies on you and me, but there are no flies on Jesus”
– Hunter S. Thompson

It was so apropos, the Christian being fed to the Lions. Just one week after his media sensationalized glorious appearing when he smited the Miami Dolphins, Tim Tebow was exposed as the fraud that he has always been.  In one of the worst quarterbacking performances in Denver Broncos history the cult of personality that is Tebowmania was shown the true fruits of their blessed savior culminating in a brutal 45-10 beatdown on Orange Sunday. Actually the score is misleading as to how lopsided the ‘game’ was, the resurgent, smack-talking Detroit Lions put it into cruise control mode after running up a 45-3 fourth quarter lead and were putting in their scrubs, it was only that Tebow accumulated the bulk of his stats.  With Tebow fully in charge of the offense the Broncos came out roaring themselves, going right down the field behind two runs that gained 49yards and a great touchdown catch by WR Eric Decker, the only acquisition of the lamentable Josh McDaniels era who seems to have promise as a player . Only the touchdown wasn’t, Decker was jobbed by the refs for being out of bounds and the Broncos settled for a Matt Prater field goal and a 3-0 lead. Then it was Tebow Time!

For the next three quarters Timothy Richard Tebow was more putrid than even a hater like I believed, taking seven sacks, overthrowing receivers and having a fumble and interception returned for scores. The orange clad throng at recently renamed Sports Authority Stadium was quieted as the former Florida Gator was exposed as the untalented wretch that he has been since he joined the NFL. It was the biggest crackup in a Denver stadium since my old teenage friend “Buzz” who was hopelessly shitfaced on Mad Dog 20-20 took a tumble down forty rows of steps and laid vomiting and bleeding in front of a horrified troop of cub scouts and their den mother at old Mile High. So much for all of that happy horsecrap about the vaunted Jon Gruden working with Tebus to change his throwing motion, the guy is the prototypical Florida Gators quarterback which translates into not NFL material. This is going to get even more interesting, having been forced to bow to the demands of the mob of Tebow terrorists to bench the doomstruck failure Kyle Orton it is incumbent upon coach John Fox and grand football poobah John Elway to keep trotting Timmy out there for all to see. Next up, a stop in the raucous den of sin that is the Black Hole in Oakland where the fascist police just shot an Iraq war vet in the head with a gas canister or something during a local #OccupyWallStreet protest… is this a great country or what?  It will likely be another long afternoon for Tebow, especially with the Raiders coming off of a bye after an embarrassing 28-0 home loss to Kansas City looking for blood.

It was always going to be like this for Tebow, the idea that he is a capable NFL starter has been farcical from the get go. Had former Broncos coach McDaniels not been such and easily bamboozled chump who traded up and down in Belichikian fashion in order  to land Tebow in the first round of the draft the boy wonder would have probably still been on the board in the fifth round. It was absolutely imperative for the evangelical Christian fifth column to ensure that he was a first round pick and have a national pulpit for their message of intolerance, hatred and magical thinking for the next decade before launching his political career. A few more weeks of playing like he did on Sunday and the fucker won’t be able to be elected as dogcatcher and the Christers could for once do like Jesus and give those orange #15 jerseys to the poor. Were Tebow a typical former college quarterback without a public relations and media colossus behind him he would probably be starting in the NFL as an h-back or converted tight end, hell he would be far and away the best running back on the Broncos roster right now were he to be a team player and surrender the quarterback wet dream. Too bad that there has been so much invested in the kid by a national movement that is  hellbent on overthrowing the country within and implementing a theocratic form of government more in line with the diseased ravings of Rousas John Rushdoony than the thoughtful ideas of Thomas Jefferson.

Back to the game, it was as heinous a debacle as last year’s 59-14 bludgeoning by the Raiders that punched McDaniels ticket out of town if not even worse, there was actually some sort of bizarre false hope here, kind of like before the Nazis rolled into the Warsaw Ghetto and showed that it was hopeless from the onset. Here in America though the morons like their false reality served sunny side up with a heaping dish of sugar coated bullshit on the side. The cult of personality and the feckless and complicit media were swooning over Timothy Richard Tebow after his “miracle” comeback against the pathetic Dolphins last week. Tebow was the toast of the nation, the next great quarterback and a messianic figure just four short days ago. The networks built their entire weekly narrative on the great Tebow and the NFL itself, no stranger to shameless marketing promotions, notable the pink shoes to pander to the female demographic during breast cancer awareness month and the flag-sucking tributes to the American Reichstag Fire 9/11, even hyped the Broncos v. Lions game as a biblical battle of good (Tebow) vs. evil (fearsome Detroit defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh). Everyone was in for this one, all in… especially Tebow himself who showed all in attendance and a large television audience what any serious football fan already knew, that he has no future whatsoever as a real live pro football quarterback.

Between the errant throws and three and outs Tebow was hit and sacked by the new bad boys of Motown in their silver and Honolulu blue without remorse. Some of the Lions even dared to engage in the new fad of “Tebowing” after their sacks of Orange Jesus. Of course the Christers, the perpetual victims that they are and keep their flocks of fucking ignoramuses fired up by playing immediately screamed sacrilege that the Lions were mocking Christianity itself. Not that the evangelical zealots need any help with that one, they have dragged the teachings of Jesus Christ through an overflowing with shit sewer of anger, bigotry, war worship and anti-gay demagoguery as they have revised their religion to the point where Christ is the one ousted from the temple by the moneychangers. They wailed and gnashed their teeth over the Lions on field antics but have zero problem when gays are beaten in hate crimes egged on by their blasphemous perversions of Christ’s message. Hell, were Jesus to return to the USA Today preaching the same message he would either be crucified anew or be just another Middle Eastern man locked in a small cage at Gitmo or at another of our secret torture sites.  Tebowing became a national craze after numero 15 kneeled in prayer after Miami’s implosion led to an improbable overtime win, a thoroughly tasteless religious display at a goddammed football game. I mean come on, do you think that a Muslim quarterback would be afforded the deference paid to Tebow were he to pray on the sideline? This is the new America/Homeland and there would be catcalls and wails for a halftime beheading at the fifty yard line were that to ever occur. Homeland Security would probably be parachuted into the stadium to haul him off and be disappeared into our gulag system.

After what I personally rank as one of the best plays in Broncos history, a 100 yard pick six by Detroit’s Chris Houston, great because it may spare the team from a lost decade under Tebow,  the Lions defender commented:

“We just wanted to make him be a quarterback,” said Houston, who revealed the defensive game plan was based on the Lions’ steadfast belief that Tebow was incapable of moving the Broncos to a score by completing six consecutive passes in any drive. “We had somebody take away his legs and made him use his arm.”

And so they did. And so the latest big lie of the corporate media was shorn like a sheep. The broadcast of the game was vomit inducing. Former star safety John Lynch spent the broadcast making excuses and seemed to have been sniffing one of Tebow’s used jockstraps in the booth. Lynch repeatedly blamed Broncos coaches for not changing the offense to fit Tebow, fuck the rest of the team right? One article referenced that Tebow’s name was mentioned an incredible 140 times during the broadcast. It didn’t take long for the right-wing swine in the media to pick up the meme that coach John Fox intentionally sabotaged Tebow, of course this giant turd emerged from Rupert Murdoch’s terrorist broadcasting organization – surprise, surprise. What’s next, Bill O’Reilly denouncing John Fox as a secret Muslim agent determined to implement Sharia Law? The wound is still fresh but already there are rumblings that the myth of Tebow as miracle working man of God is under siege and mercifully may be taken down. From – Opponent: Tebow experiment is‘embarrassing’:

“Can you believe ’15’?” one Detroit Lions defender asked after his team’s 45-10 immolation of Tebow and the Denver Broncos. “Come on – that’s embarrassing. I mean, it’s a joke. We knew all week that if we brought any kind of defensive pressure, he couldn’t do anything. In the second half it got boring out there. We were like, ‘Come on – that’s your quarterback? Seriously?’ ”

It would be one thing if this particular defender could be written off as an outlier, but during the time I spent in the Lions’ locker room after the game – and, later, on the phone with various coaches, front-office executives and players around the league – similarly harsh assessments were uttered about the second-year quarterback making his second start of the 2011 season.

Words like atrocious, terrible, completely exposed and not even close to ready kept coming up in these conversations; a couple of Lions even used the term oh my god. They did not appear to be mocking Tebow’s devout Christian beliefs – however, at least two Detroit players (middle linebacker Stephen Tulloch and tight end Tony Scheffler) made a point of “Tebowing” during the game, imitating the prayerful pose the quarterback struck following the previous Sunday’s stunning overtime victory over the Miami Dolphins.

The point that was driven home on Sunday, and quite forcefully, was this: Against a crappy team like the winless Dolphins, the possibility exists that Tebow can get away with 55 minutes of flaccid football and, with the help of a blessed onside-kick recovery, add to the legend forged at Florida, where he had one of the most decorated college football careers of all time. However, against an emerging power like the Lions (6-2), he’s as overmatched and vulnerable as an adolescent’s eardrums in the front row of a Nickelback concert.

“As long as he felt our pressure,” said Lions defensive end Cliff Avril, whose third-quarter sack/fumble/recovery/return produced one of Detroit’s two defensive scores, “he was gonna make crazy decisions.”

In fairness, Tebow’s 18-for-39, 172-yard performance – numbers padded considerably by garbage-time completions, if you can believe that – wasn’t solely the product of dubious choices. His limited skill set was also on display, from an acute lack of accuracy, to a deliberate delivery (Avril dislodged the ball while Tebow was extending his arm backward before attempting to pass), to an apparent uncertainty about where to go with the ball.
– – –
None of this was necessarily a surprise to the Broncos’ brass, including coach John Fox and executive vice president of football operations John Elway. Tebow’s flaws were obvious to all trained observers during training camp, which is why veteran Kyle Orton was named the team’s unquestioned starter in August.
Orton’s struggles – and Denver (2-5) losing four of its first five games – caused the Broncos’ decision-makers to call an audible, a move greeted by great popular acclaim. Yet it’s hard to imagine that Elway, one of the greatest quarterbacks in football history, saw anything he didn’t expect on Sunday. It was as if, by starting Tebow, he said to the 74,977 fans at Mile High, “You wanted this guy? OK, then … Heeeerrrree’s Timmy!”

In other words – you wanted it? Now eat it you motherfuckers!!! Eat it until the scales are ripped away from your eyes and you are burning your number fifteen jerseys in the parking lot like Bears fans did when former Bronco quarterback Jay Cutler pulled up lame in last year’s NFC Championship and let his team down. A sad fact of life is that reality sucks, not that any of you Tebow suckling Christers have any idea of what reality actually is in your jacked up on Jesus parallel universe.

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The Next Best Thing to the Rapture: Tebow Named Broncos Starter

“We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.”

– H.L. Mencken

The stadium was rocking and rolling just like old Mile High used to last Sunday after a loss that dropped the woebegone Denver Broncos to 1-4 and only a bad Marvin Lewis call and a fourth down stop away from winless the place was going fucking berserk.  You would have thought that the Broncos had just won the AFC Championship Game. Back in the day when it actually meant something to be a diehard Bronco fan any loss would have had a surly crowd booing and looking for blood as they filed out of the place, the parking lots would be full of mean drunks and there would be fights and arrests. They used to take their football real seriously in the Mile High City and the Broncos were like a religion to many but that is a bygone era. Today it has degenerated into a freakish stew of yuppies, know-nothings and religious pilgrims more interested in a cult of personality than any of the real action on the field.

The jubilation was because the new Christ, Timothy Richard Tebow had finally been able to banish that reviled Kyle Orton to the bench and had come into the game to throw for a whopping 79 yards as the Broncos rallied from behind to put a scare into the haughty Phillip Rivers and the hated division rival San Diego Chargers. Orton was absolutely hideous, managing only 34 yards passing and a pick before he was given the hook. Let’s face it, there iss just no way to defend the guy anymore, never a playmaker to begin with his psyche had been crushed weeks ago by the incessant torment of the Tebow worshippers. Once in the game, never mind that Tebow looked pathetic until late when San Diego was in playing not to lose mode. It took an ESPN play of the week type acrobatic catch by soon to be ex-Bronco, Pro Bowl receiver Brandon Lloyd as well as an official review to keep that last drive alive. Lloyd for his part has now officially been placed on the trading block, his earlier critical comments about the “Tebow thing” were likely deemed to be of sufficiently blasphemous nature to have him exorcised from the locker room. Tebow finished 4 of 10 for 79 yards, 28 on a dump off pass to Know-show Moreno for a TD, another 31 to a wide open receiver while San Diego was in the prevent defense and the 20 to Lloyd. Otherwise the great one competed one pass to Eric Decker for no gain. Jesus Fucking Christ has the bar been set low in Denver since the John Elway days. Tebow did run for a score which is about the only goddamned thing that does well; any lesser being coming out of college ball would have been converted to H-Back, an area of sore need for Denver anyway. Nonetheless, the place was going amok because the larger battle had been won and the Religious Right had their man in his new role and the accompanying national media swoon would ensure that stadiums across the country would be their pulpit.

One loon actually conjured up the Roman legend of Horatio or Publius Horatius Cocles, the 6th Century army office who held back the invading hordes of Clusium at the Pons Sublicius bridge. Horatius Cocles valiant stand became legend, somehow in their innate ignorance and usual stupid overestimation of their own self-importance the hordes of Jesus freaks in their number 15 orange jerseys seem to have created some sort of alternate universe where usurping the hapless stumblebum Kyle Orton is equivalent. Orton has been fucked from the get go, it was a losing battle and like Sisyphus he had one hell of a rock to roll. The rock started to roll back on the poor clod well before his phantom fumble against the hated Raiders in the season opener and had already crushed the hapless bastard into pulp by the time that he was given the hook after throwing for a miserable 39 yards against the Chargers on Sunday. Defenses looked into his eyes and saw a haunted and doomed man, at the time of his ouster he was tied for the NFL lead in interceptions with the notorious dog murderer Michael Vick. The doomstruck Orton was trying to hold back a force of nature, something that is still badly misunderstood by the sports analysts but to those who deal with the menace of Christian fascism on a regular basis it is crystal clear. The chants of TEBOW are at least somewhat understandable in Denver where other than during the John Elway era the backup quarterback is always the most popular guy on the team. Orton’s immense failure would have fans in any city bellowing for him to be pulled, but when the chants erupted in the waning minutes of a road loss to the Packers at hallowed Lambeau Field it should have been obvious to all but the blindest of blind what this is really all about.

While the newspaper columnists in Denver, notably the longtime reigning king of local sportswriting Woody Paige of the Denver Post sang the praises of Tebow, gloating and in even placing the onus on whether the most overrated college quarterback to turn pro since Akili Smith would be successful on the coaching staff. Paige has had a colossal hard-on for new coach John Fox for some reason, likely Fox wasn’t sufficiently deferential to the great one as well as having some sort of maniac interest in promoting Tebow at the expense of the team itself. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the season is spun so that every Tebow turnover, every into the dirt or otherwise errant pass and every stalled drive isn’t really poor Timmy’s fault at all, you see, when you have been anointed by God himself there are growing pains. Even Jesus Christ wandered in the wilderness for years before he emerged as the messiah and old Moses himself was raising sheep for an extended period before he smited Pharaoh and parted the Red Sea. As long as the Broncos win 3 or 4 games the rest of the year it will be the greatest moment in Broncodom since Elway hoisted the Lombardi Trophy in Miami.

There have been dissenters though, heathens and non-believers and questioners of the power of the shrine. Take for example this by a Fox Sports guy named Jason Whitlock, his email box must have been assaulted by a plague of locusts over these words in his piece Don’t Let Tebow Hype Fool You:

Maybe Tim Tebow is a football force of nature, the answer to Denver’s mile-high longing for the next John Elway. But it’s going to take more than a screen pass, a 12-yard TD scramble, constant fist-pumping and yelling and a moral victory to convince me.

I hope I don’t get struck by lightning or my Tebow-loving, FOXSports.com colleague Jen Engel for writing that.

I’m not for or against Touchdown Timmy. I’m a Kansas City-fed, Show Me State, fence-sitting skeptic when it comes to the religious symbol/Broncos quarterback. You have to show me more than a 4-of-10, 79-yard passing half to get my heart racing about a Tebow Era.

I was stunned Sunday night when none other than Tony Dungy declared on NBC’s “Football Night In America” that Denver coach John Fox had to start Tebow in two weeks after Denver’s bye in the aftermath of the Broncos’ 29-24 close loss against San Diego. Dungy, while a religious zealot, is a stone-cold football man, a methodical, by-the-books, measured coach. He’s not given to succumbing to emotion or public sentiment.

But he’s now apparently caught Tebow religion thanks to a screen pass that Knowshon Moreno turned into a 28-yard TD scamper, a Tebow run for another score and the intangible-reliant belief the Broncos played harder when Touchdown Timmy was yelling and screaming.

Dungy fell for the hype. It makes sense. He’s removed from the fire. He’s on TV now. He’s like the rest of America. We believe that whatever the last entertaining thing we saw on the boob tube is infinitely better than whatever we saw before.

Sorry. I’m in a very cynical mood today. Touchdown Timmy reminds me of the AMC drama “Breaking Bad,” the show idiots claim is on the verge of replacing “The Wire” as the greatest in television history. “Breaking Bad” aired its Season 4 finale a couple of hours after Tebow flung his final incomplete pass into the end zone.

Yelling, screaming and fist-pumping are intangibles and motivational techniques best used by assistant coaches and middle linebackers. They have limited value on the offensive side of the ball. Defense is emotional. Offense is intellectual. Ray Lewis can’t play quarterback. And Peyton Manning can’t play middle linebacker.

In a pass-happy league where Cam Newton came out of the box throwing for 400 yards, let’s not get carried away because Touchdown Timmy threw for 79.

Denver doesn’t have a quarterback controversy. It has a QB crisis.

The reference to Tony Dungy is of interest since the former Buccaneers and Colts coach has managed to  somehow become a revered sort of football oracle. Never mind that Dungy’s Tampa Bay teams were never able to get over the hump under the great football leadership of the man mockingly referred to by some locals as “the black Spock”. Dungy’s defenses in Tampa were of all time great quality but his inability to ever figure it out offensively doomed him to exile after his team quit on him in the playoffs for the second year against the Eagles in that concrete rat trap in Philly. Dungy was snapped up by the Indianapolis Colts to replace Mr. Coors Light Commercial Jim Mora. In Indy despite having Peyton Manning as his quarterback his teams racked up exactly one Super Bowl win, and that one should have an asterisk because Rex Grossman was the opposing team’s quarterback. Dungy is a sanctimonious sack of shit, a religious fanatic who in the past has lent his name to virulently anti-gay organizations and a media whore. He is no authority on the Tebow thing, his piety and failure to ever find a quarterback in Tampa other than Trent Dilfer or Shaun King disqualifies him as anything but another asshole with an opinion.

So Tim Tebow’s shepherding of the Broncos will ironically begin next Sunday in the same stadium where John Elway won Super Bowl XXXIII and then retired from playing football. If there is a seriously winnable game on the Broncos schedule the remainder of the season this is it. Miami is a disaster, earlier in the year rumored as a potential partner in a Kyle Orton trade that would have left Tebow the starter from the get go the Dophins have stank up the place this season. The key free agent acquisition, former Saints running back Reggie Bush, more famously known for the monstrously unseemly scandal during his college days at USC than his NFL accomplishments has to put it diplomatically sucked. The Dolphins also lost their starting quarterback Chad Henne to a season ending injury and likely will trot out journeyman backup Sage Rosenfels under center. Miami is 0-4 pending Monday night’s game in the New Jersey swamplands against Rex Ryan’s Jets, a team looking to unload a very serious can of whup ass on someone after three straight crushing road losses. The Dolphins will be lucky to get out of there alive and will surely have the living shit beaten out of them by a Jets defense looking to emerge from it’s recent funk. They will be getting Denver on a short week and at home where they are in inexplicable 1-9 over their last ten games in Sun Life Stadium.It gets worse quickly after that, the resurgent Lions come to town as do the Jets and Patriots. Really the only other sure win on the slate is a week 13 game against the dismal Vikings. In an interesting note Jay Cutler, whose petulance and pouting set into motion the chain of events that led to Tebow being given the keys to the team comes to Denver on December 11, it would be a huge humiliation if he is able to beat the Broncos. But humiliation and a masochistic tendency for self-destruction are now requirements to be a Broncos fan, it is going to take years of being a league doormat and wandering in the football wilderness led by Tebow before anything changes. For the NFL, the networks and owner Pat Bowlen it all comes down to merchandise, concession and ticket sales, if they can sell the place out while putting out a product with the collective talent of an arena league team then they will do it. And the suckers in their number 15 jerseys will eat it up and empty their wallets.

Tebow’s Florida Gators championship teams will also be honored at the Dolphins game, it is damned near assured that there will be a national television audience and it should be practically a guaranteed win for the Broncos. It’s a game that not even Orton could have fucked up so what barring serious injury will be the opening game in a long and dark period in Broncos history under Tebow should be a certain victory no matter how badly that Denver plays. The real nightmare for real Broncos fans will be if Tebow is able to win several games and finish 6-10 or so. There is no way in hell that Elway and Fox will be able to draft a quality starting quarterback in next April’s draft because now that they have already surrendered to the Tebow cult they will forever be enslaved by it.

 HORATIO

Sucky Fucky: That would pretty much describe Kyle Orton and the already floating in the shitter Broncos season but it brings to mind lurid tales from the past as well, it was the “Horatio” comparison that did it.

I used to have a buddy named Horatio Hicks, or Horace Hicks, which was the name on his birth certificate. He was a tall, lanky piece of work, a real oddball who always wore hiking boots, heavy metal band t-shirts and denim overalls and had slicked back hair, he went through the pomade in a day when letting it grow out was fashionable. He also had a schnozzle so big that we called him “Horse” which he dug. He always would boast that his penis was as big as a horse’s and when the mood hit him, he would on occasion unzip his jeans, extract it and wave it around. He loved to go through fast food drive through windows with it out and if it was late enough, after a night of heavy boozing and doping he would play with it until it was erect and then laugh hysterically when the poor night girl at Jack In The Box would notice. It was actually pretty repulsive but in this sorry day of foul social deviance, rampant boy-buggering by once respected institutions like the Catholic Church and the proclivity of perverts and freaks to engage in not only sexual crimes but often murder and dismemberment it was in a way quite innocent, at least by 2011 standards.

He was another of the miscreants from the old days, a childhood friend who I happened to hang around with well into my early adult years. Horse was a party animal with a mean streak, one day he drop-kicked his own father in the balls over some money that he had borrowed from the old man – Horse used it to buy pot of course.  He was a dopehead to the nth degree, hell, a lot of my old friends were, we grew up in the 1970s, the last decade when Americans actually were taught to think critically and challenging authority of the lemming colony wasn’t deigned to be tantamount to treason.  Horse was into the tittie bars too. He pissed away nearly all of his money at Denver area flesh emporiums like Shotgun Willies, P.T.’s, Boogie Down, The Landing Strip, Pecos Junction and Doug’s Place. Many of these are likely now long defunct but Shotgun Willie’s was the Mecca of Mile High City gentleman’s clubs and still is. Horse would get good and jacked up on Yukon Jack and devil weed (he also was a speed freak), stuff his overall pockets with a roll of one dollar bills and hit the circuit. The girls who knew him loved him, he was a tipper who reliably could be counted on to piss away all of his money on lap dances and ogling enormous sets of the pink-nosed puppies being massaged an inch in front of his face. He would disappear for long stretches of time during his soirees, likely to go and jack off in order to bleed off the pressure lest he explode in his fruit of the looms.

One night I was with Horse at a place out in Commerce City on the way to the old Stapleton Airport called the Landing Strip. This was one of the raunchier tittie bars on the circuit, the girls there weren’t as managed as they were at some of the other more prominent clubs who were not about to run afoul of the law by allowing actual physical contact to occur. The majority of them were biker chicks and their old men were often in the place drinking, there was no problem as long as they were not molested or groped in any serious way by the patrons. For some reason “Horse” had a particularly nasty gleam in his eye that night, maybe he was backing down the Yukon Jack with black beauties or something. As the heavy metal music blared, Horse was violating the rules of strip clubs, he was going for it, flicking his tongue at nipples and at one point he even grabbed a handful of ass. I was watching the table of four or five leather clad, bearded dudes who looked like the thuggish roadies of the early day Allman Brothers Band (there is a picture of them on the insert inside the Fillmore Concerts cd) the one who seemed the most pissed off bore more than a passing a resemblance to Gregg Allman himself.

I often wondered what Horse would have been like were he to have ever visited Subic Bay in the Philippines as I did back when I was a youngster in the U.S. Navy. Club Jolo sat at the end of Magsaysay Drive, the long main drag of Olongapo City running from the Subic Bay Naval Base over the infamous Shit River and populated by hundreds of bars/whorehouses. Of all of the nastiest of the nasty dives in the P.I. this one was by far the gold standard. It was totally nude dancing in front of one of those psychedelic style back screens where hippie style swirls and lights were interspersed with some of the sickest porn that existed. There were 8 mm projections of a woman fucking a pig, a series of various objects being crammed into anal and vaginal orifices and even a toilet cam style scat view. Of course the stuff was so perverted that it really was a turn off but it served to reinforce Club Jolo’s legendary among Pacific fleet sailors as the raunchiest bar of all. They would actually have girls who would come table side, stack pesos on a beer bottle, squat and suck them into their cooze. That act  was a huge hit with the customers, all of them U.S. military members, drunk off of their asses on the fabled local concoction mojo and eager to engage in primal style fornication with the “little brown fuck machines (LBFM’s) that made Subic Bay the top port of call. Horse would have run absolutely amok in the adult “Disneyland” as it was known to those in the U.S. Navy.

But I digress….

I looked over at Horse and was horrified to see that in between the dancers that he had stood up and had actually extracted his cock. He had laid it out on the little buffer area behind his pack of Marlboros and his beer, you couldn’t see it unless you were either right next to him or looking down. Even more distrubing was that Goddammit, the crazy fucker had pasted a set of those little googlie eyes that you buy at arts and crafts store on the head of his dick!  I muttered something and immediately started eying the clearest path to the exit. He was just standing there leering with a dollar bill folded up and extending from his mouth as the bleached blonde girl on stage slowly gyrated her way towards him, her meat globes a bouncing. She sashayed over to Horse and closed those things over the dollar bill, she then looked down, noticed his crank on the stage padding, recoiled and screamed. The bikers were up and split into pairs, with military like precision two of them cut through the pool table area to come at us from the right and the others through the restroom area to descend from our left. I grabbed Horse by the back of his overalls and growled “LET’S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE NOW!!!” while I started to violently and quickly pull him towards the door, his dick was still hanging out and there was about ten dollars in ones sitting there as we bolted. He quickly saw the writing on the wall and we both broke into a sprint, out the door and into the parking lot. We were in the car, a 1984 Dodge Daytona throwing up gravel on the way out of the lot as those biker dudes emerged from the place along with another longhaired dude in cook’s whites who was brandishing a large meat cleaver, it was the blue neon lights glint off of that fucking potential murder weapon that haunts me to this day. Fortunately the I-70 highway access ramp was only a block or from the bar so by the time that they would have been in hot pursuit we were already long gone, laughing madly at the entire situation.

I lost touch with Horse over twenty years ago and have made no attempt to contact him since because some things and people are best left in the past, especially when it comes to hardened reprobates like Horse. For all that I know he is doing time in Canon City for waving his dick at little girls on a playground, frankly given his deep degenerate streak it wouldn’t surprise me a bit. The last time that I talked to him, not long after the escape from what would have been a brutal beating in the parking lot at The Landing Strip he was managing a combination arcade/headshop out on East Colfax and dealing dope out of the back door, he also dabbled in burglary and got a real kick out of preying on gays and the elderly. Were I to venture a guess I would certainly say that no good came of him, he was a seriously twisted dude. Then again, perhaps he ‘reformed’ himself and found God, as the saying goes, “religion is the last refuge of a soundrel”, he may even have been in attendance at Sunday’s game wearing an orange Tim Tebow jersey. Who the fuck knows… and in the end who the fuck cares?

So why the fuck am I going off on this riff about Horace Hicks in the first place? It was just that the dysfunction on the Broncos and the fairly recent DUI bust of Denver kicker Matt Prater on his way back home from Shotgun Willie’s dredges up the corpses of the past. The present is the time when the serious monsters are on the prowl, they have taken over the political system and the vomitous torrent of cultural sleaze that emanates from the electronic crackpipe is only surpassed by the militant societal perversion of American Cristendom. This potent mixture is exemplified by the Great TebowCrusade and the swarming of what passes for a sports media to descend upon it like buzzards or more appropriately heathen bastards worshipping their false idols and golden calves. As a force they are not to be trifled with, just ask Kyle Orton whose elderly years will likely be spent wracked by cold night sweats and the nightmares thanks to how the animals treated him over the last four months. I have no doubt that many of them prayed for the death of his new child just so Tebow could be anointed the starter, that’s just the way that the putrescent fuckers are. They are pro life but worship war, the death penalty and have no qualms with poor children starving to death, I often wonder what Jesus would think of this scum… I sure as fuck know that they wouldn’t have been down with his long-haired, liberal ass.

Hell, what is more hypocritical than Pastor Ted getting plowed up the back forty on a regular basis while denouncing gays like an establishment version of the cruder Fred Phelps? Or Reverend Gary Aldridge, my all time favorite homophobic Christer who was found dead, suffocated in a Pulp Fiction style Gimp leather suit with a massive dildo stuffed up his asshole. Really, these rotten Christers, especially the Tebow worshippers are as full of shit as Reverend Aldridge’s lubed up anus was full of pink vulcanized rubber. The triumph of Tebow is a tale of the triumph of a very militant element that has existed within this country, on of enormous political power and on that the average American Joe has no true idea even exists. Of course her in Der Heimat, circa 2011 the Average Joe is a jacked up on anti-Muslim hatred, self-centered, willfully ignorant rock-headed buffoon like Joe the Plumber so none of this resonates nor could it. Jesus Tebow’s ascension is especially significant in that it came in the exact same venue that the loathed BLACK man in the WHITE House claimed the nomination for the Democratic Party back in 2008. While Americans in general seem to be doomed to never realize one of the central tenets upon which the United States of America was founded – that religion and politics don’t mix, perhaps by the end of the season Bronco fans will realize that neither do religion and football.