Monthly Archives: March 2012

Tim Tebow: God’s Media Whore in New York Babylon

It’s like a scene from the early breakout of a zombie plague

Ok, I admit that I stole that one from some dude over on the Denver Post blog who was rejoicing over the miraculous news that the Tebow parasite has just been peeled off of the Broncos organization. I suppose it’s only fitting that my return to blogging would be a short commentary of how overjoyed that I was to hear that Tim Tebow has left the Mile High City for the Big Apple. Broncos VP John Elway has to get NFL Executive of the Century consideration for pulling this one off. Imagine that it was only a few short months ago after the most overrated quarterback in NFL history, Jesus Tebow was the king of kings after that fluke playoff win against the hapless Pittsburgh Steelers. Tebow passed for 316 (as in John 3:16) yards in a stunning 29-23 home victory (actually more like a hundred and change if you take away Demaryius Thomas’s YAC) that had Elway looking nauseated and like he was doomed to wear a crown of thorns and stand knee deep in a tub of the shit of Tebow worshippers. Then Tebow reverted to form against the Patriots in a brutal 45-10 loss that could have been 90-10 had Bill Belichick not called off the dogs in the second half.

Now as a lifelong Denver Broncos fan and hard core hater of Evangelical Christian swine there was nothing more grating than watching Tebow become a media created legend last season, fraudulently gaining the rep of some kind of great comeback quarterbacking colossus while stinking the place up for three plus quarters. The thing with the Jesus freaks in America today is that they are every bit as delusional as the same zealots that they routinely denounce in other countries (insert radical Islamic bogeyman of the day) and in addition to the false legend of the great Tebow they sure as shit didn’t know a goddamned thing about football. I admit that for the first time in my life that I was actually cheering like hell for the Broncos to lose every week, I had some sheer moments of joy such as watching the apropos devouring of Tebow by the Lions, the Christmas Eve upchucking of multiple interceptions and fumbles returned for TD’s in Buffalo and of course the sadistic dismemberment in Foxboro in which Tom Brady threw for 6 TDs before Tebow had four completions. I also had some moments of rage such as the second quarter of that Steeler win where I had to shut off my 50 + inch HDTV rather than risk taking a baseball bat to it. The freaks were seeing Tebow’s face in tortillas after the one and Elway was going to have that cross to bear and the shame and ulcers to go along with it for years.

Then as the Christers like to say “it was God’s will” and lo and behold the Indianapolis Colts cut their ties with what was left of stat machine Peyton Manning. Now it’s a given that Manning who has suffered a serious neck injury and may never be the same, he’s also 36 but he hit the open market as the greatest free agent in league history. Elway, while he will never admit it saw his way out of the Tebow tribulations and put on a big time push to sign Manning, fiercely competing with the Tennessee Titans and the nearly 90 year old Bud Adams who was prepared to pay an unlimited sum of money for one last chance at seeing his transplanted Houston Oiler team make the Super Bowl. Denver won, Manning was signed to a huge contract and Tebow was a done deal in the Mile High City. The little bastard was traded within a matter of days to that great city of Satan New York, there is some very sweet schadenfreude in watching all of the peckerwoods pony up 70 or bucks for their kelly green number 15 jerseys for them and all of their rotten little indoctrinated fucking kids.

While I have never really liked Peyton Manning much, I have always thought of him as a crybaby and the white bread corporate pitchman of the NFL I am ecstatic to have him for the sole reason that he was the ONLY quarterback capable of putting the sword to the neck of Tebowmania in Denver. Shit, I could care less if his fucking head falls off the first time that he drops back in training camp – TEBOW IS GONE. Now if Manning does go down the Broncos are kind of fucked in that the backup (at least prior to the draft) is Caleb Hanie but really, Hanie would have beaten the new Christ had Marion Barber not run the fucking ball out of bounds late in the game on December 11th and then fumbled in overtime allowing kicker Matt Prater to kick two 50+ yard field goals and give Tebow the credit for the win. Anyway, the point that I am trying to make is that Mr. Hanie from Green Acres could probably have a better completion percentage than formerly orange Jesus without the circus.

As for Tim Tebow, he has gotten exactly what is fitting for a media whore like him, a prime gig in the media capital of the western world. This is going to be one hell of a show to watch, the Jets are already possessed of the most dysfunctional locker room in the NFL and the introduction of the cancer that is Tebow is going to eat them alive. Already the NY tabloids are hyping him like the second coming of Namath and the NFL and Jets organization are singing glory hallelujah as that high-priced (likely made in sweatshops) Tebow merchandise flies off the shelves. Quarterback Mark Sanchez, the embodiment of underachieving suckitude and already hated by local fans is now about to feel the wrath of the Tebow blood cult as well, those vermin ruined Kyle Orton who was left to slink out of town a broken man and Sanchez is next. The rumblings from the Jets locker room are already ugly and the season is going to be must watch entertainment for all. It’s especially funny to see the arrogant loudmouth Rex Ryan talking smack, he is like a man who has unwittingly ingested a slow acting poison and who will soon be dead while not knowing it yet. Again, it’s going to be a beautiful thing to behold this glorious appearing in the teeming metropolis of Gotham that has been denounced by the likes of radical cleric Pat Robertson as being so full of homosexual and liberal evil that the thousands of innocent Americans who died on September 11, 2001 in the American Reichstag Fire actually deserved to die.

You just can’t make shit like this up.

Anyway, enough of the sports for now, I’ll be back railing against the evils of religion and politics soon.