No Christmas Miracles Bitch: Tebow Exposed

Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam. ‘Cause sunbeams are not made like me.
Don’t expect me to cry for all the reasons you had to die. Don’t ever ask your
love of me.
Don’t expect me to cry.
Don’t expect me to lie.
Don’t expect me to die for thee.
– Nirvana (Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam)

Much was made about media created phenom Tim Tebow’s pregame meeting with amputee High School quarterback Jacob Rainey who was flown to Buffalo for a nice bit of Christmas theatrics before Sunday’s Broncos vs. Bill Game. By the end of the afternoon, it was apparent to all but the blindest of the blind that Rainey could have given the now reeling Broncos a better shot than the most overrated quarterback in NFL history, at least the kid wouldn’t have thrown four picks. Just a bit of the sheen had worn off of the Mile High Messiah, Timothy Richard Tebow’s halo after a butt ugly beatdown by the Patriots but the chosen one’s Christmas Eve performance gave a new definition of the word fiasco. And to haters like myself all that I can say is – Hey, I fucking told you so. I admit that it’s been difficult to tolerate the two month running assault on common sense and football tradition that was the great Tebow PR machine, shredding up all those skeptics of the glorious ascension of the new American idol and at least according to some poor, wretched souls, the second coming of Christ himself. The amen chorus of the national punditry, the mouth-breathing “Christian” flockers and the sinister theocratic parallel universe had become so infatuated with the newborn king and his celebrity that apostates virtually had their tongues ripped out with fire-heated, cast iron tongs. The “all he does is win” meme was peddled like so much snake oil dipped religious folderol until it was finally shorn of its figleaf Saturday at Ralph Wilson Stadium when it was as if God himself chose to finally put to rest the absurdity that he really gives a rat’s ass about football. 

Tim Tebow, a quarterback who can’t throw has somehow been imbued with superhuman, dare I say divine powers for leading the theretofore woebegone Denver Broncos during a winning streak where the Mile High monsters eked out one close win after another largely to the credit of their balls nasty defense and kicker Matt Prater. Tebow of course got all the credit for the resurgence and in predictable manner is now being shorn of any of the blame for the last two losses. The Tebow winning streak was more than just a simple mirage, it was the type of mass insanity that conjures up memories of apocalyptic conjecture about smoking guns being mushroom clouds, Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction and the Iraq-bin Laden alliance to bring down the World Trade Center. The lazy swine in the sports media, absolutely pathetic with the exception of Dave Zirin, a giant among men with special note going to the ridiculous assholes in the Denver media market (Mark Kiszla, Woody Paige etcl) who joined the Tebowing terrorists in running the lamentable Kyle Orton out of town and pressuring the now doomed John Elway into installing, on the basis of hype and unrelenting pressure rather than any sort of merit their glorious loveboy at quarterback pushed this insanity. They are the Judith Millers of the national madness of Tebowmania. ESPN transformed itself into the Tebow network, and the naysayers about the greatness of Jesus Tebow were mocked, shunned and bent to conformity, much in the way that Bushreich critics were dealt with in the run up to the attack and occupation of Iraq. 

Any serious look at the Tebow winning streak by an objective football fan would see that the young man had very little to do with winning those games, he played better than could be expected in many but that sets the bar extremely low. After exorcising Orton the Broncos came back after 55 listless minutes to beat the Miami Dolphins juggernaut that was winless at the time in overtime 18-15, the South Florida stadium was filled to the brim with Tebow worshippers on Tim Tebow Day and the “legend” was launched. A bump in the road the next week when Tebow was mauled by the Detroit Lions in an embarrassing 45-10 home thumping still has the Christers squealing about religious persecution over their mocking of Tebow. Next up was a comeback win against the hated Oakland Raiders in the Black Hole. The 38-24 victory had more to do with a still rusty Carson Palmer throwing three picks, speedy Denver kick return specialist Eddie Royal taking one to the house and resurrected running back Willis McGahee making mincemeat out of the Raider defense in the second half for two long TD runs and 163 yards. The Raider win was out of an option package that belongs in high school and college so Tebow got all of the credit for executing the win, coach John Fox had listened to the Tebow cultists and changed the offense to fit their boy’s skill set. Next up was a 17-10 win against the dismal Kansas City Chiefs in which Tebow completed only two fucking passes! 

The streak continued in prime time on the NFL Network with a 17-13 comeback against the mouthy fat Rex Ryan and his now eliminated from the playoffs New York Jets, Tebow gets some credit here as his late touchdown run sealed the win. Win # 5 came at San Diego with the Chargers in freefall riding a five game losing streak and in overtime when their kicker was caught by the television cameras pissing in a bottle o the sidelines and then blowing the game winning kick, allowing Prater to win it with his own FG. Win #6 was an aberration being that it came against the woeful Minnesota Vikings who are still in some sort of post Brett Favre fugue state and have one of the worst defenses in the league. Said Vikings were also without superstar running back Adrian Peterson and were starting a rookie quarterback in Christian Ponder who threw three interceptions, the last one a gift to Denver’s Andre Goodman that set up another winning Prater field goal. Tebow threw for 202 yards in this one, 144 of them to a receiver, Demaryius Thomas who was labeled as such a bust that apparently nobody bothered to even cover him. With the Tebowmania in full throated frenzy and the fleet of bandwagons growing by the minute the myth took a hit with win #7, a 13-10 overtime win at home that was one of the greatest choke jobs ever by the gutsy and injury riddled Bears. With the Chicago defense having kept Tebow down and the Broncos scoreless for nearly 58 minutes collapsed. With Tebow having tossed a late score to Thomas to cut the lead to 10-7 the Broncos failed to recover an onside kick with 2:08 to go. Enter the latest goat in Chicago sports history, replacement running back Marion Barber who inexplicably ran out of bounds to stop the clock and save the Broncos around 40 seconds which allowed Prater to kick a 59 yarder to take the game to overtime. In the extra stanza, Barber broke through the line to redeem himself and while heading towards the winning touchdown that would ring down the curtain on the fabled Tebow’s winning streak fumbled the ball! Minutes later Prater kicked the winner. Barber, who is a stone Jesus freak himself had the second worst week for a former Dallas Cowboy turned Chicago Bear but only because Sam Hurd was busted by the Feds for his role in setting up a drug distribution network. The Tebow fans would swear that Barber was blown out of bounds by the breath of God himself and that Jesus was right there causing the Barber overtime fumble. 

The next week wasn’t so good for the Mile High Messiah. A nearly unprecedented second Sports Illustrated cover appearance in less than a month and a classic skit on the haven of liberal demonology that is Saturday Night Live during which Jesus himself told Tebow to take it down a notch, the national media frenzy over a matchup against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots were a one-two-three combination that not even Orange Jesus would be able to overcome. The SNL skit was hilarious and went viral, bringing the condemnation of the Christers bleating about mockery of their religion and bigotry, the second being a thing that they are intimately familiar with when it comes to gays, Muslims and liberals. Radical cleric Pat Robertson taking a rest from anti-gay demagoguery and blaming natural disasters on the wrath of God towards a society that tolerates homosexuals came out and howled in mock outrage as well. The Christers sure can’t take it when they themselves are scorned and dragging their Manchurian Candidate Tebow through shit is akin to raw blasphemy right up there with the infamous Piss Christ. The latest target of these neo-Nazi swine is HBO comic Bill Maher who had the audacity to gloat on TWITter about Tebow’s rancid Christmas Eve performance in Buffalo: “Wow, Jesus just fucked #TimTebow bad! And on Xmas Eve! Somewhere in hell Satan is tebowing, saying to Hitler “Hey, Buffalo’s killing them.”.  There are now calls for boycotts against HBO for Maher’s comments – why don’t these anal retentive, fired to the max with hatred and insipid pigfuckers just get a life already? Not that Maher is a favorite of mine personally, he is a virulent anti-Muslim bigot in his own right who at least in that regard has much in common with the Tebowers, teabaggers and the rest of the filth that inhabits the right wing in this country. He is also a sleazy apologist for Israeli atrocities but come on, while most of us know that it’s utter bullshit isn’t this country supposed to stand for the ability to engage in free speech? The Tebowers are a bunch of charlatans anyway, how many of them actually went to church on Christmas morning this year and how many stayed at home to engage in the act of worship of mammon over the teachings of Christ and fornicated like horny rats on their living room floors in an orgy of festive gift wrapping and made in China consumer goods? Jesus Christ, just fuck these people already. Go away and emigrate to Iran or Israel if you all enjoy living in a totalitarian theocratic state.

But I digress…

The Denver Broncos are now 8-7 and after two consecutive turds laid by Tebow are facing a must win game against the Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday to get into the playoffs. The same Kansas City Chiefs who claimed Kyle Orton off of waivers last month and now the one who was so brutally scourged and run out of Denver on a rail gets the chance to come back and pound in the nails.

Shit, the irony is delicious isn’t it?

Just my two cents over the morning cup o’ Joe

Posted on 2011/12/28, in #occupytebow, Christian Right's War on America, Religious Bigotry, Tebowmania. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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