Category Archives: Lions Mock Tebow

False Idol Tebow Devoured By Lions

“There may be flies on you and me, but there are no flies on Jesus”
– Hunter S. Thompson

It was so apropos, the Christian being fed to the Lions. Just one week after his media sensationalized glorious appearing when he smited the Miami Dolphins, Tim Tebow was exposed as the fraud that he has always been.  In one of the worst quarterbacking performances in Denver Broncos history the cult of personality that is Tebowmania was shown the true fruits of their blessed savior culminating in a brutal 45-10 beatdown on Orange Sunday. Actually the score is misleading as to how lopsided the ‘game’ was, the resurgent, smack-talking Detroit Lions put it into cruise control mode after running up a 45-3 fourth quarter lead and were putting in their scrubs, it was only that Tebow accumulated the bulk of his stats.  With Tebow fully in charge of the offense the Broncos came out roaring themselves, going right down the field behind two runs that gained 49yards and a great touchdown catch by WR Eric Decker, the only acquisition of the lamentable Josh McDaniels era who seems to have promise as a player . Only the touchdown wasn’t, Decker was jobbed by the refs for being out of bounds and the Broncos settled for a Matt Prater field goal and a 3-0 lead. Then it was Tebow Time!

For the next three quarters Timothy Richard Tebow was more putrid than even a hater like I believed, taking seven sacks, overthrowing receivers and having a fumble and interception returned for scores. The orange clad throng at recently renamed Sports Authority Stadium was quieted as the former Florida Gator was exposed as the untalented wretch that he has been since he joined the NFL. It was the biggest crackup in a Denver stadium since my old teenage friend “Buzz” who was hopelessly shitfaced on Mad Dog 20-20 took a tumble down forty rows of steps and laid vomiting and bleeding in front of a horrified troop of cub scouts and their den mother at old Mile High. So much for all of that happy horsecrap about the vaunted Jon Gruden working with Tebus to change his throwing motion, the guy is the prototypical Florida Gators quarterback which translates into not NFL material. This is going to get even more interesting, having been forced to bow to the demands of the mob of Tebow terrorists to bench the doomstruck failure Kyle Orton it is incumbent upon coach John Fox and grand football poobah John Elway to keep trotting Timmy out there for all to see. Next up, a stop in the raucous den of sin that is the Black Hole in Oakland where the fascist police just shot an Iraq war vet in the head with a gas canister or something during a local #OccupyWallStreet protest… is this a great country or what?  It will likely be another long afternoon for Tebow, especially with the Raiders coming off of a bye after an embarrassing 28-0 home loss to Kansas City looking for blood.

It was always going to be like this for Tebow, the idea that he is a capable NFL starter has been farcical from the get go. Had former Broncos coach McDaniels not been such and easily bamboozled chump who traded up and down in Belichikian fashion in order  to land Tebow in the first round of the draft the boy wonder would have probably still been on the board in the fifth round. It was absolutely imperative for the evangelical Christian fifth column to ensure that he was a first round pick and have a national pulpit for their message of intolerance, hatred and magical thinking for the next decade before launching his political career. A few more weeks of playing like he did on Sunday and the fucker won’t be able to be elected as dogcatcher and the Christers could for once do like Jesus and give those orange #15 jerseys to the poor. Were Tebow a typical former college quarterback without a public relations and media colossus behind him he would probably be starting in the NFL as an h-back or converted tight end, hell he would be far and away the best running back on the Broncos roster right now were he to be a team player and surrender the quarterback wet dream. Too bad that there has been so much invested in the kid by a national movement that is  hellbent on overthrowing the country within and implementing a theocratic form of government more in line with the diseased ravings of Rousas John Rushdoony than the thoughtful ideas of Thomas Jefferson.

Back to the game, it was as heinous a debacle as last year’s 59-14 bludgeoning by the Raiders that punched McDaniels ticket out of town if not even worse, there was actually some sort of bizarre false hope here, kind of like before the Nazis rolled into the Warsaw Ghetto and showed that it was hopeless from the onset. Here in America though the morons like their false reality served sunny side up with a heaping dish of sugar coated bullshit on the side. The cult of personality and the feckless and complicit media were swooning over Timothy Richard Tebow after his “miracle” comeback against the pathetic Dolphins last week. Tebow was the toast of the nation, the next great quarterback and a messianic figure just four short days ago. The networks built their entire weekly narrative on the great Tebow and the NFL itself, no stranger to shameless marketing promotions, notable the pink shoes to pander to the female demographic during breast cancer awareness month and the flag-sucking tributes to the American Reichstag Fire 9/11, even hyped the Broncos v. Lions game as a biblical battle of good (Tebow) vs. evil (fearsome Detroit defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh). Everyone was in for this one, all in… especially Tebow himself who showed all in attendance and a large television audience what any serious football fan already knew, that he has no future whatsoever as a real live pro football quarterback.

Between the errant throws and three and outs Tebow was hit and sacked by the new bad boys of Motown in their silver and Honolulu blue without remorse. Some of the Lions even dared to engage in the new fad of “Tebowing” after their sacks of Orange Jesus. Of course the Christers, the perpetual victims that they are and keep their flocks of fucking ignoramuses fired up by playing immediately screamed sacrilege that the Lions were mocking Christianity itself. Not that the evangelical zealots need any help with that one, they have dragged the teachings of Jesus Christ through an overflowing with shit sewer of anger, bigotry, war worship and anti-gay demagoguery as they have revised their religion to the point where Christ is the one ousted from the temple by the moneychangers. They wailed and gnashed their teeth over the Lions on field antics but have zero problem when gays are beaten in hate crimes egged on by their blasphemous perversions of Christ’s message. Hell, were Jesus to return to the USA Today preaching the same message he would either be crucified anew or be just another Middle Eastern man locked in a small cage at Gitmo or at another of our secret torture sites.  Tebowing became a national craze after numero 15 kneeled in prayer after Miami’s implosion led to an improbable overtime win, a thoroughly tasteless religious display at a goddammed football game. I mean come on, do you think that a Muslim quarterback would be afforded the deference paid to Tebow were he to pray on the sideline? This is the new America/Homeland and there would be catcalls and wails for a halftime beheading at the fifty yard line were that to ever occur. Homeland Security would probably be parachuted into the stadium to haul him off and be disappeared into our gulag system.

After what I personally rank as one of the best plays in Broncos history, a 100 yard pick six by Detroit’s Chris Houston, great because it may spare the team from a lost decade under Tebow,  the Lions defender commented:

“We just wanted to make him be a quarterback,” said Houston, who revealed the defensive game plan was based on the Lions’ steadfast belief that Tebow was incapable of moving the Broncos to a score by completing six consecutive passes in any drive. “We had somebody take away his legs and made him use his arm.”

And so they did. And so the latest big lie of the corporate media was shorn like a sheep. The broadcast of the game was vomit inducing. Former star safety John Lynch spent the broadcast making excuses and seemed to have been sniffing one of Tebow’s used jockstraps in the booth. Lynch repeatedly blamed Broncos coaches for not changing the offense to fit Tebow, fuck the rest of the team right? One article referenced that Tebow’s name was mentioned an incredible 140 times during the broadcast. It didn’t take long for the right-wing swine in the media to pick up the meme that coach John Fox intentionally sabotaged Tebow, of course this giant turd emerged from Rupert Murdoch’s terrorist broadcasting organization – surprise, surprise. What’s next, Bill O’Reilly denouncing John Fox as a secret Muslim agent determined to implement Sharia Law? The wound is still fresh but already there are rumblings that the myth of Tebow as miracle working man of God is under siege and mercifully may be taken down. From – Opponent: Tebow experiment is‘embarrassing’:

“Can you believe ’15’?” one Detroit Lions defender asked after his team’s 45-10 immolation of Tebow and the Denver Broncos. “Come on – that’s embarrassing. I mean, it’s a joke. We knew all week that if we brought any kind of defensive pressure, he couldn’t do anything. In the second half it got boring out there. We were like, ‘Come on – that’s your quarterback? Seriously?’ ”

It would be one thing if this particular defender could be written off as an outlier, but during the time I spent in the Lions’ locker room after the game – and, later, on the phone with various coaches, front-office executives and players around the league – similarly harsh assessments were uttered about the second-year quarterback making his second start of the 2011 season.

Words like atrocious, terrible, completely exposed and not even close to ready kept coming up in these conversations; a couple of Lions even used the term oh my god. They did not appear to be mocking Tebow’s devout Christian beliefs – however, at least two Detroit players (middle linebacker Stephen Tulloch and tight end Tony Scheffler) made a point of “Tebowing” during the game, imitating the prayerful pose the quarterback struck following the previous Sunday’s stunning overtime victory over the Miami Dolphins.

The point that was driven home on Sunday, and quite forcefully, was this: Against a crappy team like the winless Dolphins, the possibility exists that Tebow can get away with 55 minutes of flaccid football and, with the help of a blessed onside-kick recovery, add to the legend forged at Florida, where he had one of the most decorated college football careers of all time. However, against an emerging power like the Lions (6-2), he’s as overmatched and vulnerable as an adolescent’s eardrums in the front row of a Nickelback concert.

“As long as he felt our pressure,” said Lions defensive end Cliff Avril, whose third-quarter sack/fumble/recovery/return produced one of Detroit’s two defensive scores, “he was gonna make crazy decisions.”

In fairness, Tebow’s 18-for-39, 172-yard performance – numbers padded considerably by garbage-time completions, if you can believe that – wasn’t solely the product of dubious choices. His limited skill set was also on display, from an acute lack of accuracy, to a deliberate delivery (Avril dislodged the ball while Tebow was extending his arm backward before attempting to pass), to an apparent uncertainty about where to go with the ball.
– – –
None of this was necessarily a surprise to the Broncos’ brass, including coach John Fox and executive vice president of football operations John Elway. Tebow’s flaws were obvious to all trained observers during training camp, which is why veteran Kyle Orton was named the team’s unquestioned starter in August.
Orton’s struggles – and Denver (2-5) losing four of its first five games – caused the Broncos’ decision-makers to call an audible, a move greeted by great popular acclaim. Yet it’s hard to imagine that Elway, one of the greatest quarterbacks in football history, saw anything he didn’t expect on Sunday. It was as if, by starting Tebow, he said to the 74,977 fans at Mile High, “You wanted this guy? OK, then … Heeeerrrree’s Timmy!”

In other words – you wanted it? Now eat it you motherfuckers!!! Eat it until the scales are ripped away from your eyes and you are burning your number fifteen jerseys in the parking lot like Bears fans did when former Bronco quarterback Jay Cutler pulled up lame in last year’s NFC Championship and let his team down. A sad fact of life is that reality sucks, not that any of you Tebow suckling Christers have any idea of what reality actually is in your jacked up on Jesus parallel universe.

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