Category Archives: Tebowmania
Ok, I admit that I stole that one from some dude over on the Denver Post blog who was rejoicing over the miraculous news that the Tebow parasite has just been peeled off of the Broncos organization. I suppose it’s only fitting that my return to blogging would be a short commentary of how overjoyed that I was to hear that Tim Tebow has left the Mile High City for the Big Apple. Broncos VP John Elway has to get NFL Executive of the Century consideration for pulling this one off. Imagine that it was only a few short months ago after the most overrated quarterback in NFL history, Jesus Tebow was the king of kings after that fluke playoff win against the hapless Pittsburgh Steelers. Tebow passed for 316 (as in John 3:16) yards in a stunning 29-23 home victory (actually more like a hundred and change if you take away Demaryius Thomas’s YAC) that had Elway looking nauseated and like he was doomed to wear a crown of thorns and stand knee deep in a tub of the shit of Tebow worshippers. Then Tebow reverted to form against the Patriots in a brutal 45-10 loss that could have been 90-10 had Bill Belichick not called off the dogs in the second half.
Now as a lifelong Denver Broncos fan and hard core hater of Evangelical Christian swine there was nothing more grating than watching Tebow become a media created legend last season, fraudulently gaining the rep of some kind of great comeback quarterbacking colossus while stinking the place up for three plus quarters. The thing with the Jesus freaks in America today is that they are every bit as delusional as the same zealots that they routinely denounce in other countries (insert radical Islamic bogeyman of the day) and in addition to the false legend of the great Tebow they sure as shit didn’t know a goddamned thing about football. I admit that for the first time in my life that I was actually cheering like hell for the Broncos to lose every week, I had some sheer moments of joy such as watching the apropos devouring of Tebow by the Lions, the Christmas Eve upchucking of multiple interceptions and fumbles returned for TD’s in Buffalo and of course the sadistic dismemberment in Foxboro in which Tom Brady threw for 6 TDs before Tebow had four completions. I also had some moments of rage such as the second quarter of that Steeler win where I had to shut off my 50 + inch HDTV rather than risk taking a baseball bat to it. The freaks were seeing Tebow’s face in tortillas after the one and Elway was going to have that cross to bear and the shame and ulcers to go along with it for years.
Then as the Christers like to say “it was God’s will” and lo and behold the Indianapolis Colts cut their ties with what was left of stat machine Peyton Manning. Now it’s a given that Manning who has suffered a serious neck injury and may never be the same, he’s also 36 but he hit the open market as the greatest free agent in league history. Elway, while he will never admit it saw his way out of the Tebow tribulations and put on a big time push to sign Manning, fiercely competing with the Tennessee Titans and the nearly 90 year old Bud Adams who was prepared to pay an unlimited sum of money for one last chance at seeing his transplanted Houston Oiler team make the Super Bowl. Denver won, Manning was signed to a huge contract and Tebow was a done deal in the Mile High City. The little bastard was traded within a matter of days to that great city of Satan New York, there is some very sweet schadenfreude in watching all of the peckerwoods pony up 70 or bucks for their kelly green number 15 jerseys for them and all of their rotten little indoctrinated fucking kids.
While I have never really liked Peyton Manning much, I have always thought of him as a crybaby and the white bread corporate pitchman of the NFL I am ecstatic to have him for the sole reason that he was the ONLY quarterback capable of putting the sword to the neck of Tebowmania in Denver. Shit, I could care less if his fucking head falls off the first time that he drops back in training camp – TEBOW IS GONE. Now if Manning does go down the Broncos are kind of fucked in that the backup (at least prior to the draft) is Caleb Hanie but really, Hanie would have beaten the new Christ had Marion Barber not run the fucking ball out of bounds late in the game on December 11th and then fumbled in overtime allowing kicker Matt Prater to kick two 50+ yard field goals and give Tebow the credit for the win. Anyway, the point that I am trying to make is that Mr. Hanie from Green Acres could probably have a better completion percentage than formerly orange Jesus without the circus.
As for Tim Tebow, he has gotten exactly what is fitting for a media whore like him, a prime gig in the media capital of the western world. This is going to be one hell of a show to watch, the Jets are already possessed of the most dysfunctional locker room in the NFL and the introduction of the cancer that is Tebow is going to eat them alive. Already the NY tabloids are hyping him like the second coming of Namath and the NFL and Jets organization are singing glory hallelujah as that high-priced (likely made in sweatshops) Tebow merchandise flies off the shelves. Quarterback Mark Sanchez, the embodiment of underachieving suckitude and already hated by local fans is now about to feel the wrath of the Tebow blood cult as well, those vermin ruined Kyle Orton who was left to slink out of town a broken man and Sanchez is next. The rumblings from the Jets locker room are already ugly and the season is going to be must watch entertainment for all. It’s especially funny to see the arrogant loudmouth Rex Ryan talking smack, he is like a man who has unwittingly ingested a slow acting poison and who will soon be dead while not knowing it yet. Again, it’s going to be a beautiful thing to behold this glorious appearing in the teeming metropolis of Gotham that has been denounced by the likes of radical cleric Pat Robertson as being so full of homosexual and liberal evil that the thousands of innocent Americans who died on September 11, 2001 in the American Reichstag Fire actually deserved to die.
You just can’t make shit like this up.
Anyway, enough of the sports for now, I’ll be back railing against the evils of religion and politics soon.
Much was made about media created phenom Tim Tebow’s pregame meeting with amputee High School quarterback Jacob Rainey who was flown to Buffalo for a nice bit of Christmas theatrics before Sunday’s Broncos vs. Bill Game. By the end of the afternoon, it was apparent to all but the blindest of the blind that Rainey could have given the now reeling Broncos a better shot than the most overrated quarterback in NFL history, at least the kid wouldn’t have thrown four picks. Just a bit of the sheen had worn off of the Mile High Messiah, Timothy Richard Tebow’s halo after a butt ugly beatdown by the Patriots but the chosen one’s Christmas Eve performance gave a new definition of the word fiasco. And to haters like myself all that I can say is – Hey, I fucking told you so. I admit that it’s been difficult to tolerate the two month running assault on common sense and football tradition that was the great Tebow PR machine, shredding up all those skeptics of the glorious ascension of the new American idol and at least according to some poor, wretched souls, the second coming of Christ himself. The amen chorus of the national punditry, the mouth-breathing “Christian” flockers and the sinister theocratic parallel universe had become so infatuated with the newborn king and his celebrity that apostates virtually had their tongues ripped out with fire-heated, cast iron tongs. The “all he does is win” meme was peddled like so much snake oil dipped religious folderol until it was finally shorn of its figleaf Saturday at Ralph Wilson Stadium when it was as if God himself chose to finally put to rest the absurdity that he really gives a rat’s ass about football.
Tim Tebow, a quarterback who can’t throw has somehow been imbued with superhuman, dare I say divine powers for leading the theretofore woebegone Denver Broncos during a winning streak where the Mile High monsters eked out one close win after another largely to the credit of their balls nasty defense and kicker Matt Prater. Tebow of course got all the credit for the resurgence and in predictable manner is now being shorn of any of the blame for the last two losses. The Tebow winning streak was more than just a simple mirage, it was the type of mass insanity that conjures up memories of apocalyptic conjecture about smoking guns being mushroom clouds, Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction and the Iraq-bin Laden alliance to bring down the World Trade Center. The lazy swine in the sports media, absolutely pathetic with the exception of Dave Zirin, a giant among men with special note going to the ridiculous assholes in the Denver media market (Mark Kiszla, Woody Paige etcl) who joined the Tebowing terrorists in running the lamentable Kyle Orton out of town and pressuring the now doomed John Elway into installing, on the basis of hype and unrelenting pressure rather than any sort of merit their glorious loveboy at quarterback pushed this insanity. They are the Judith Millers of the national madness of Tebowmania. ESPN transformed itself into the Tebow network, and the naysayers about the greatness of Jesus Tebow were mocked, shunned and bent to conformity, much in the way that Bushreich critics were dealt with in the run up to the attack and occupation of Iraq.
Any serious look at the Tebow winning streak by an objective football fan would see that the young man had very little to do with winning those games, he played better than could be expected in many but that sets the bar extremely low. After exorcising Orton the Broncos came back after 55 listless minutes to beat the Miami Dolphins juggernaut that was winless at the time in overtime 18-15, the South Florida stadium was filled to the brim with Tebow worshippers on Tim Tebow Day and the “legend” was launched. A bump in the road the next week when Tebow was mauled by the Detroit Lions in an embarrassing 45-10 home thumping still has the Christers squealing about religious persecution over their mocking of Tebow. Next up was a comeback win against the hated Oakland Raiders in the Black Hole. The 38-24 victory had more to do with a still rusty Carson Palmer throwing three picks, speedy Denver kick return specialist Eddie Royal taking one to the house and resurrected running back Willis McGahee making mincemeat out of the Raider defense in the second half for two long TD runs and 163 yards. The Raider win was out of an option package that belongs in high school and college so Tebow got all of the credit for executing the win, coach John Fox had listened to the Tebow cultists and changed the offense to fit their boy’s skill set. Next up was a 17-10 win against the dismal Kansas City Chiefs in which Tebow completed only two fucking passes!
The streak continued in prime time on the NFL Network with a 17-13 comeback against the mouthy fat Rex Ryan and his now eliminated from the playoffs New York Jets, Tebow gets some credit here as his late touchdown run sealed the win. Win # 5 came at San Diego with the Chargers in freefall riding a five game losing streak and in overtime when their kicker was caught by the television cameras pissing in a bottle o the sidelines and then blowing the game winning kick, allowing Prater to win it with his own FG. Win #6 was an aberration being that it came against the woeful Minnesota Vikings who are still in some sort of post Brett Favre fugue state and have one of the worst defenses in the league. Said Vikings were also without superstar running back Adrian Peterson and were starting a rookie quarterback in Christian Ponder who threw three interceptions, the last one a gift to Denver’s Andre Goodman that set up another winning Prater field goal. Tebow threw for 202 yards in this one, 144 of them to a receiver, Demaryius Thomas who was labeled as such a bust that apparently nobody bothered to even cover him. With the Tebowmania in full throated frenzy and the fleet of bandwagons growing by the minute the myth took a hit with win #7, a 13-10 overtime win at home that was one of the greatest choke jobs ever by the gutsy and injury riddled Bears. With the Chicago defense having kept Tebow down and the Broncos scoreless for nearly 58 minutes collapsed. With Tebow having tossed a late score to Thomas to cut the lead to 10-7 the Broncos failed to recover an onside kick with 2:08 to go. Enter the latest goat in Chicago sports history, replacement running back Marion Barber who inexplicably ran out of bounds to stop the clock and save the Broncos around 40 seconds which allowed Prater to kick a 59 yarder to take the game to overtime. In the extra stanza, Barber broke through the line to redeem himself and while heading towards the winning touchdown that would ring down the curtain on the fabled Tebow’s winning streak fumbled the ball! Minutes later Prater kicked the winner. Barber, who is a stone Jesus freak himself had the second worst week for a former Dallas Cowboy turned Chicago Bear but only because Sam Hurd was busted by the Feds for his role in setting up a drug distribution network. The Tebow fans would swear that Barber was blown out of bounds by the breath of God himself and that Jesus was right there causing the Barber overtime fumble.
The next week wasn’t so good for the Mile High Messiah. A nearly unprecedented second Sports Illustrated cover appearance in less than a month and a classic skit on the haven of liberal demonology that is Saturday Night Live during which Jesus himself told Tebow to take it down a notch, the national media frenzy over a matchup against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots were a one-two-three combination that not even Orange Jesus would be able to overcome. The SNL skit was hilarious and went viral, bringing the condemnation of the Christers bleating about mockery of their religion and bigotry, the second being a thing that they are intimately familiar with when it comes to gays, Muslims and liberals. Radical cleric Pat Robertson taking a rest from anti-gay demagoguery and blaming natural disasters on the wrath of God towards a society that tolerates homosexuals came out and howled in mock outrage as well. The Christers sure can’t take it when they themselves are scorned and dragging their Manchurian Candidate Tebow through shit is akin to raw blasphemy right up there with the infamous Piss Christ. The latest target of these neo-Nazi swine is HBO comic Bill Maher who had the audacity to gloat on TWITter about Tebow’s rancid Christmas Eve performance in Buffalo: “Wow, Jesus just fucked #TimTebow bad! And on Xmas Eve! Somewhere in hell Satan is tebowing, saying to Hitler “Hey, Buffalo’s killing them.”. There are now calls for boycotts against HBO for Maher’s comments – why don’t these anal retentive, fired to the max with hatred and insipid pigfuckers just get a life already? Not that Maher is a favorite of mine personally, he is a virulent anti-Muslim bigot in his own right who at least in that regard has much in common with the Tebowers, teabaggers and the rest of the filth that inhabits the right wing in this country. He is also a sleazy apologist for Israeli atrocities but come on, while most of us know that it’s utter bullshit isn’t this country supposed to stand for the ability to engage in free speech? The Tebowers are a bunch of charlatans anyway, how many of them actually went to church on Christmas morning this year and how many stayed at home to engage in the act of worship of mammon over the teachings of Christ and fornicated like horny rats on their living room floors in an orgy of festive gift wrapping and made in China consumer goods? Jesus Christ, just fuck these people already. Go away and emigrate to Iran or Israel if you all enjoy living in a totalitarian theocratic state.
But I digress…
The Denver Broncos are now 8-7 and after two consecutive turds laid by Tebow are facing a must win game against the Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday to get into the playoffs. The same Kansas City Chiefs who claimed Kyle Orton off of waivers last month and now the one who was so brutally scourged and run out of Denver on a rail gets the chance to come back and pound in the nails.
Shit, the irony is delicious isn’t it?
Just my two cents over the morning cup o’ Joe
There are two competing groups when it comes to public opinion on Tim Tebow.
The first group thinks Tebow is God’s gift to humanity and that his NFL quarterbacking skills will catch up to his holiness if the Denver Broncos ever give him a chance.
The second group is creeped out by the first group.
But armed with the irrefutable evidence that somebody out there, or up there, believed Tebow was worthy of being a first-rounder, his supporters became emboldened. It’s why there’s a quarterback controversy in Denver right now for no good reason.
This is what happens when you reach to take a player who has a bigger reputation for piety than he does for touchdown passes. The pressure on John Elway, the Broncos’ new vice president of football operations, is significant. Tebow is much, much more than a football player. He’s a symbol for a large swath of people who see him as the best of what Christianity has to offer.
His autobiography, Through My Eyes, has been on the New York Times nonfiction bestseller list since it came out eight weeks ago. His jersey was the third-highest seller in the NFL last season, despite the fact he started only three games.
There is nothing wrong with any of that. The people have spoken, and they like Tim Tebow. A lot. But the people shouldn’t decide who gets to play quarterback.
Tim Tebow is not a paint-by-numbers quarterback. So why do the Broncos seem bent on turning him into Brian Griese, your plain vanilla game manager and the football equivalent of a certified public accountant?
The extreme makeover of Tebow has revealed a clumsy robot in need of a system reboot. It’s pure folly to recast an improvisational player as a pocket passer.
Tebow needs to be Tebow.
After feeling the heat from criticism this summer, Tebow repeatedly expressed a desire Wednesday to “have fun.”
But where did the unpredictable fun in his game go? Whatever happened to the instinctive rambler who wore No. 15 for the Broncos? While it sometimes appears that Tebow’s technique has regressed since his rookie season, maybe the real problem is lost identity.
Here’s the funny thing. When worry lines crease the face of Broncos executive John Elway as he wonders how long it might take Tebow to realize even an improvisational master must learn to win games from the pocket in the NFL, old No. 7 starts to look and sound a little like Dan Reeves.
Nobody who remembers houses in Denver painted orange can forget. Reeves gave Elway the fourth quarter to become an NFL legend of the comeback drive, but only after forcing the Stanford grad to operate at 5 mph under the speed limit for the majority of games during the 1980s.
The conservative approach by Reeves irked Elway. It contributed to the demise of a relationship between a frustrated superstar and his stubborn coach. Denver sided with Elway. Reeves departed.
Is it just me, or does the apprehensive sweat on the back of Elway’s neck as he contemplates handing Tebow the car keys smell like karma?